La Douleur Exquise
by flevrdelacour
Summary: "The man who fears losing has already lost." Snape/Lily (one-sided)


She was so free. So cheerful. So happy. Nothing could bring her down. Her red hair was so reminiscent of fire, lively and radiant. Her dress, bright and blue and covered in flowers, flared in the wind. She was buoyant, elated, serene. She represented everything he was desperate for in life, things he couldn't get from a desolate mother and a belligerent father.

He was nothing like her, from his faded, oversized clothes passed down from his father to his hair, constantly limp and shining from the grease that seldom left the boy's hair. He was washed-out, overused and unwanted like the old blanket his mom bought from a market down the road.

He peered from behind the bush at her. She was the light of the park. All the children's eyes were attracted to the girl whose laughter was like a song, whose eyes shone like morning dew on grass, whose smile was infectious and warm and illuminating.

For this girl to become his dearest friend and his love in life was Severus Snape's greatest wish. A wish he had made millions of times on millions of shooting stars despite all the teenagers in the park that had said wishes on stars never came true.

But sometimes, wishes, even the most monumental, can come true.

They had stuck together as they traveled to Hogwarts. Same compartment, same boat, next to each other in line. One of those insufferable boys whom had ridden in the compartment with them made some foolish comment about them being siamese twins. He was one of the first to go up. Black, his name was. A Gryffindor, surprisingly. All the reading he had done on purebloods in the books his mom had hidden on the lowest bookshelf told him that the Blacks were a Slytherin family.

Lily went up rather quickly. Her red hair was a beacon, giving even Severus easy sight for her as he got shuffled around people moved. They avoided him, it seemed, as if he had cast a repelling charm on himself. They were irrelevant. His focus was entirely on the little redhead whose face was shielded from him by a grubby, patched-up hat, reminding him of the fedora his father wears to work that had the same shoddy sewing job on it, courtesy of his mother.

His hope was so high, waiting to hear the word "Slytherin" fly from the mouth of the hat, only to be crushed as "Gryffindor" echoed through the hall.

The little redhead slid off the stool and into a seat next to the Black boy, though she did look mildly irritated about it. Her hair, a waterfall of flame, how could she not be a Gryffindor, when fire, the heart of a Gryffindor and the element that corresponded, was everything she was. Gryffindor was the flame, while Slytherin was the mold.

Severus glanced down. What would she want with him now?

He refused to catch her eye throughout the rest of the ceremony, staring instead at his scuffed shoes passed down from his mother since his father's feet were much too large.

He was, of course, sorted into Slytherin. He took a seat away from the other students and silently stared at his empty plate. He had no appetite, not after losing his only friend.

A prescience suddenly made itself known to Severus as it bumped into him as it clambered onto the bench.

Lily was peering at him with those eyes, the ones he would liken to the city of emeralds he had read about in that muggle book his father made him read.

"Are you avoiding me?" She asked curiously. Some of the other students at the Slytherin table gave her strange, even disgusted looks. Severus fought off the urge to glare right back at them and kept his gaze on Lily.

"No," he answered, keeping his gaze on the golden plate in front of him. It was nicer than any of the tableware he had ever had in his home.

"Then what's wrong?" she leaned down to look at his face.

Severus sighed. He was so close to his empty plate that his breath fogged it as he did.

"We're in different houses. Opposing houses. Rivals."

He was so hunched now that his nose was rubbing the plate, leaving a little grease stain.

A tinkling laugh drowned out all the sound in his left ear. He peered up from the grease stained plate to see Lily laughing at him.

"Oh, Sev," she grinned at him. Her smile was a light in his heart. It was like someone hit an on switch, "I don't care about the damn houses. I want to be your friend."

Severus gasped a bit at her swear word, but still felt a small smile on his face. He could never get himself to properly smile.

Oh, if only he knew he would never truly smile.

Years passed with the changing of seasons. The snow melts to sprout flowers to the beating sun to the dead leaves to the snow once again. A neverending cycle of life to death to life to death, dancing the most complicated dance on the thinnest tightrope. The same as the friendship of Severus and Lily. Dancing on the thinnest tightrope that was getting finer every day. Severus has made friends in the Slytherin house. The kind of friends you would find cursing muggleborns and talking about dark magic. The kind of friends who would look at Lily in disdain and question Severus about why he is friends with a dirty mudblood. Severus would only mutter something about childhood friends and hope they dropped it.

But on that day, the day after the exams, the day when he sat under the tree, innocently reading. The day when Potter and Black attacked him while Lupin and Pettigrew watched on. The day when he cursed that terrible name upon Lily. The day the rope snapped and everything smashed into pieces as it hit the ground. And after she wouldn't accept him back, his heart fell down with them.

He immersed himself into the Dark Arts. The teachings of his older friends. Malfoy, Lestrange, Avery. His real friends. The ones who understood who he really was.

At least, that was what he told himself.

He knew no one would get him like Lily did. He knew his world held no more light, his fire having gone out. He knew she wouldn't take him back.

But he would never tell himself that.

He continued life in his ever darkness, learning everything he could about the Dark Arts. He mastered thing after thing, digging deeper and deeper, until there was nothing left he could find and he had to start making things himself. New spells, perfected potions, new ways to torment and torture and destroy. Never to save and help and create. Why would he improve a world that was constantly tearing him down?

Malfoy informed him during his seventh year that the Dark Lord was fully ready for him to join his followers. He had shown him "all" of his research and wanted to speak with him about his research. He thought he would be a valuable asset.

Severus was rather unemotional about the whole thing. This was all trivial to him. Simply an other thing to fill the emptiness polluting his life. His research was finally coming to a close. Time to move to another chapter.

Severus went to breakfast, class, lunch, class, dinner, bed. The same thing everyday.

Breakfast, right at the same time every day. Today was different, though. He could feel something strange going on in the room. He took a seat next to Regulus Black. The friendship between the two was a one of unspoken conversations and mutual introvertness. Regulus was the only friend he had had other than Lily, and after the day by the tree, his closest friend. Regulus was the only person who really understood Severus, especially after that day. He knew about Lily and his love for her and his family. Regulus became Severus's confident and his companion.

Severus picked out some toast and was spreading marmalade on them when he saw it. His eyes had slowly gravitated to the Gryffindor table, unconsciously looking for the fiery red.

And there she was. Her bright hair stuck out against the darkness of his hair. Potter. Lily was snuggled into him. He was not restraining her. His arm was resting lightly on her shoulder. He was spoon feeding her porridge, occasionally teasing her by pulling the spoon away from her mouth. She pouted, but it was just faux. She looked so happy, cheeks flushed, eyes bright. In love.

Severus had heard the rumors, only from Regulus though, who only heard what the Slytherins told him, which didn't have too much concern in whether two Gryffindors, a mudblood and a blood traitor, were dating. He only heard they weren't arguing as much and could almost hold a pleasant conversation.

He didn't hear that they were together. Dating. In love.

Any hope that Severus had very lightly held onto crumbled, to fine dust, never to reassembled. He always knew in his heart that he would never have a chance. With someone so kind and beautiful and light. Not while he was the opposite, bitter and paltry and dark.

Potter was made for her, of course. He would keep up with her, infuriate her instead of appeasing her every whim like Severus. Lily need someone who would challenge her, would keep her mind racing and thinking. Not a dull companion whose only thought was to keep her happy which would only anger her.

Severus silently, dropped his toast and walked away. Away from his hope and fear and sadness. He heard the footsteps of Regulus following behind him, but he ignored them. He truly had nothing left. Nothing.

The loss of love made his life easier. Nothing to hold him back from his true potential, Malfoy said when he heard. Regulus disagreed, but wouldn't say that to Malfoy. Malfoy was one of the Dark Lord's favorites and Regulus was eager to up his rank.

Severus didn't have to work as hard as the rest of them. With a mind like his, Voldemort took a quick liking to him. He soared through the ranks quickly and didn't have to lift so much as a finger. Unless that finger, of course, was helping to stir the new potion he concocted or to practice the new spell he was working on.

Malfoy latched onto him, even more than what he did in school. He had a wife now, the same girl he had been dating in school , though Severus didn't speak to her much. He knew she was the youngest sister of that insane Bellatrix woman, another one of Voldemort's dear disciples. Narcissa, her name was, a little waif with pale, pale hair to match her skin. It only her icy eyes look even more prominent.

She took a liking to Severus. Malfoy was too busy sucking up Voldemort to truly pay her much attention, so she usually sat with Severus. Watching him make potion and come up with spells. Eventually she herself started offering advice and help. She had been taught for most of her life to be a quiet, obedient woman. A background, a portrait of perfection. It took her a long, long time to speak up, but the day when her husband had gone off on some quest with the Dark Lord, she offered to cut something up for him. It was small, a meaningless job almost, but it was still something. She emerged from her silence to be someone more.

Narcissa helped him in small ways over the next few months. Getting thing off of a shelf for him. Cutting up his ingredients. Reading the ingredients out for him. Writing out notes for him on spell theory. Though Severus never said it to her, she knew she was being helpful, more so than Severus would ever say.

Then came the day Severus was sent on his first quest. It was rather small, but important. He needed to spy on Dumbledore as he interviewed a woman for the Divination position. Apparently, she had been descended from Cassandra, the greatest seer to live, and Voldemort wanted to see if she said anything important to Dumbledore.

Severus himself personally thought that Voldemort was rather paranoid and this mission was ridiculous, but he still went as he was told.

He wished that he had never agreed to it.

He heard most of it. The prophecy the woman foretold, the one that told of the death of the family of the Potters.

Severus felt a panic race this heart he heard Voldemort talk about the killing of the Potters. Of Lily, of James, of the son that was supposed to destroy him.

Severus waited until he could get a private meeting with him and begged on his hands and his knees for the life of Lily. He could see the amusement and contempt in Voldemort's eyes, but he continued. He pleaded with all that was let in him. Voldemort agreed, but Severus could see by the look in eyes that he couldn't be held for this.

This is why, of course, was why Severus had a backup plan. He couldn't possibly trust the life of his light in the hands someone who turn on him in a mere second.

So he found himself in the Headmaster's office at Hogwarts, in the same position as he was in front of Voldemort, on his knees, begging for his love. Only he was sure with this one, that this one would keep his promise. This one came with conditions though, conditions he was willing to follow. Being a spy for Dumbledore was nothing compared to the thought of Lily dying.

Dumbledore kept them safe under the Fidelius charm. Even Severus himself couldn't know where they were. Which he would rather he not. Despite his fantastic grasp of Occlumency, he didn't trust what the Dark Lord could figure out.

But despite it all, it happened. He should have realized it wouldn't last forever. But oh, the hope in his heart kept him going. Lily would live.

Oh, Severus had never experienced being wrong so much in his life.

The news came quickly. The Dark Lord had been vanquished by the baby. The parents killed. Potter killed. Lily killed. His light finally, truly extinguished.

Severus experienced tears. He had never truly cried before, not even when he heard his parents fighting. Not when Lily had stopped talking to him. Not when Regulus disappeared.

He found himself in the Headmaster's office once again. This time in a chair with tear tracks on his face.

Dumbledore apologized to him, for not protecting them well enough, from not being the secret keeper himself, for not realizing who Black really was.

Severus didn't speak, just stared blankly at the ground. Nothing left in his life. Lily gone. Regulus gone. Narcissa was too busy with her newborn son. Nothing.

Dumbledore, in his own subtle way, mentioned that there was job openings at the school. At Hogwarts. The place where some of the worst things in his life happened to him. Yet he found himself applying. The Defense Against the Dark Arts position.

Rejected.

Again.

Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected.

On his first day of teaching, he found himself in the Potions dungeons instead of the Defense Against the Arts classroom.

His connection with the Dark Arts was too close. He suffered through teaching his students for years and years, becoming the dreaded teacher everyone but the Slytherins hated. Just as it should be.

Harry came ten years later. The boy was the spitting image of his father with a pigheaded personality to match. But deep down, Severus knew, as he tormented the young boy mercilessly, that the green eyes and the headstrongness and his kindness came from his mother. The lovely, beautiful Lily.

Today was the day. Severus knew it, as Voldemort sent out all the other Death Eaters out of the Shrieking Shack, leaving just the two of them and the damn snake.

Voldemort looked right at him and Severus knew, as he sent the snake on him. This was where it ended. His life was ending, as the snake attacked. Severus could not bring himself to care. His part in the story was over. Harry was ready to destroy Voldemort. All that was left was the snake. Severus's only regret was not taking the snake out himself. And not telling Lily how he truly loved him. Or Regulus what a great friend he really was. Or not getting to tell Narcissa and Draco bye.

A life without love was a life unlived, as Dumbledore would likely say. Severus had originally seen his life as one without love. Lily didn't want him. Regulus was a pity friend if anything. Narcissa only wanted him for company and Draco only respected him as godfather. Harry didn't even know how much Severus did for him, only saw him as a bully. But in this final moment, as he thought about all his regrets, he realized he did live with love. Maybe not love that exploded like fireworks. Love that was quiet and subtle, like a plant growing. Love that may have only been known by one party, but love nonetheless. Love.

The pain was dulling, his vision was clouding, but he could still see the Potter boy crouching in front of him. He was yelling at someone else in the room, but Severus couldn't understand him. He shakily moved his hand onto his face and turned to toward his own, looking into the boy's green eyes. Lily's eyes.

He murmured something to the boy as he stared unblinking at him. Suddenly, the boy started to morph. His features became softer, his hair grew longer and lighter. Freckles appeared and eyelashes lengthened. The eye color stayed constant.

Lily was sitting in front of him, smiling. James was next to her, smiling. Severus couldn't find himself to be angry at the man for once.

"Hello, Severus," James said.

Lily smiled at him, "Thank you."

Of to the side stood Sirius and Regulus, laughing and joking with each other. Nymphadora and Remus, arms around each other, looking sad, but still smiling at each other. Dumbledore smiled peacefully from the corner.

James and Lily lifted him up and led started leading him down a long, white hall, the rest of the group following after.

He let them.

/

The quote in the summary is from Game of Thrones. I haven't started the show so I can't tell you who said it and when, but it is a lovely quote.

Hope you enjoyed and review if you so please :).

-Hannah


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